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I descend to your basement dungeon and your back is to me.
I wait till your interest wavers my way,
Then we descend to the cigarette-burned sheets
     you: as a human, and me: a slab of meat.
I watch the horizon of the ashy mattress move up and down
    as my body goes up and down
         under your body going up and down.
I’m filled head to toe with fire while you’re filled with desire
and my flames are fed as you perspire
and they die out as you empty out your desire milk into my change box
and they’re gone as you explode and expire
      I’m filled with third degree burns.
      your sheets were on fire.
you turn your back to me again and I just want to grab onto your spine like a book, turn you around and read you.
but you are a god and I am a dick dungeon.
©2006-2009 ~HectateNemesis
:iconhectatenemesis:

Author's Comments

dead serious

Comments


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:iconelcyioncoire:
harsh, but it works. i doubt you want ne sympathy so i'll leave any personal comments out of this ^^; the tone is lessoned a bit by "desire milk" and "change box", no idea what else would work there : x i've never been big on euphemisms...

but! my only real "critique" would have to be the last line, the repetition of dungeon seems a bit superfluous; we are told in the first line that his basement is a dungeon, it's uneccessary to say it again and it makes the "dick dungeon" sound kind of silly : x

so my only real suggestion here would be to drop the last "dungeon" and just leave it as "basement"

but yea... i'm still totally in love with your words : x

--
you've been tampon tagged , ha ha!
:iconhectatenemesis:
thank you so much
i neeeeed this stuff. give it to me!!!
ill reconcider the last line. i didnt like it either.

--
lex
:iconcezukuu:
Strong words!

I'd change the "me: a slab of meat" to an "I." It has more dramatic presence, and usually when you're calling yourself a dick dungeon, I have my doubts as to how casual you mean to be.


Some of the internal rhymes in the middle are a bit cliche', and probably would have worked better as slant rhymes instead.


But it's completely evident you put thought into this, and knew rather well what you were doing. So thumbs up, eh?

--
1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 7, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....
:iconkarter:
How was your march break?

--
this time'll be different... I swear
:iconhectatenemesis:
i dont remember.
its a little late for that isnt it?

--
lex
:iconkarter:
I was wondering if it applied to the poem

--
this time'll be different... I swear
:iconhectatenemesis:
oh.
a little after
... but sex ensued
with introductions very like the poem

--
lex
:iconkarter:
really?
wow

--
this time'll be different... I swear

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April 12, 2006
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